Saturday, August 30, 2014

Forgiveness

"I forgive you."

Three words. Not difficult to verbalize once you've made up your mind about it, but not so easy to permanently own up to the decision.

If there's one thing I'm learning now, it's learning how to genuinely forgive, and not just for lip service. I am being taught about forgiveness in its purest form.

I've always thought that forgiving someone happens when the rage you've felt from being offended begins to calm down—when finally the dust from a chaotic and stressful situation has settled. No more haze of anger. Everything is just finally clear.

I've always assumed that once you feel that you're ready to let go of all the pain, then you can say you've forgiven, and that's the end of it. All is over, and you peacefully move on to a new chapter of your life, taking all the lessons you've learned the hard way with you to be your guiding light to the new path you've decided to embark on.

This is how I've always thought of forgiveness—that once you've acknowledged the damage that has been done and you realize that you're finally, TRULY, over it, you exit the old and start rebuilding something new.

To my surprise, life's telling me I got it all wrong.

No one really told me that every once in a while—even more times than I'd like—my brain would remind me of things I would rather forget. Memories that evoke such real and strong feelings, shaking all the nasty dust that's been already sitting quietly at the bottom of my heart, and creating a tornado of negativity and hate inside me. It's moments like those that make me question myself and the decision I've made to pardon. I thought you said you've forgiven them? What are all these resentful thoughts you're having? Why are you angry again?

What's with the bitterness?

And this is what I'm learning now.


Forgiveness is not something that happens overnight. Saying you forgive someone will not make the bad memories and the pain go away. You can forgive, but sometimes, you just cannot forget. But that doesn't give you the right to bring back the past and use it against whoever hurt you when a certain argument or situation calls for it, because true forgiveness takes commitment. Saying you forgive someone isn't some sort of sorcery that would take all the pain to magically disappear and make everything go back to normal. It's also definitely not a one time thing. It takes a lot of guts to muster courage and whole-heartedly say you forgive someone, and once you do this, you are declaring that you will no longer entertain bitter thoughts towards who hurt you by reminding yourself of your commitment to excuse their wrong doings, in your mind, heart, and soul.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily equate to restored relationships, and honestly I think that is okay. Sometimes, people just have to enter our lives to make an impact and leave a great lesson for us to learn from. Though undoubtedly forgiving others could also mend any form of relationship and make both parties restore something that has crumbled to shambles, I think the main purpose why it is essential to forgive above all is to heal yourself. 

I have met a bunch of people who have so much unresolved issues, that a mere mention of a name can get them all riled up, not being able to control their anger that it overflows to how they speak of the person, no matter the number of years it has been since the rift. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be the type of person who, 10 years later, is still ranting about the same people who have hurt me, who have taken advantage of what I had given in the relationship, who have exhausted my entire being.

Now that I come to think of it, I now see that the key to having genuine peace is just pressing on with the process of forgiving myself first and foremost. 

It is easy to play the blame game and throw the hate at someone else, specially if you've been hurt tremendously. But in my case and looking back at my past year, I've been given red flags to protect me from nurturing a relationship that will not bear any good fruit in my life—warning signs to keep my heart from being crushed and destroyed to pieces. But being the selfish, have-it-my-way girl that I am was, I chose to ignore and pretend to be blind from all the red flags, no matter how many were being already waved at my face.

The feelings of pain I'm talking about are all in general, from family, to friends, to colleagues, to exes. I know that nobody's perfect and people can disappoint us, but the most difficult part for me to accept was already knowing the people who can (and who will), and still choosing to leave the doors of my heart wide open for them. But slowly and surely, I'm getting there—to forgiving myself and making me whole again. The more I continue casting down regretful thoughts of matalino ka naman ah, bakit hinayaan mong mangyari 'yun?!, the more I feel my heart being healed and my soul being replenished with genuine love and acceptance for everything that I have become.

Though I must admit that it is still a very hard lesson for me to take in, I'm glad God has schooled me on this whole forgiving-others-thing quite early, being I am only 23. Instead of feeling bad about myself and lamenting my past reckless decisions, I am choosing to see all these lessons I've learned the hard way as me being ahead in the University of Life. Although my experiences have brought about consequences that I still deal with up to this day, no matter how clich├ęd this sounds, I somewhat feel stronger and wiser.

It may take me years (or even a lifetime) to fully heal and forgive every person who has wronged me—including myself—but this is something worth committing to. I will get to the point that I know deep in my soul I no longer have any ill-feelings against those who have offended me, as long as I do not give up. Someone dear to me told me that the enemy wants us to have an offended heart, and it makes sense because we all know that hurt people hurt people. But I won't let these demons get the best of me. Sure, sometimes it feels good to just simmer in our hatred towards someone, specially if we know the person deserves it, but in the end, we're still the ones being burned from our own anger, bitterness, and negativity. 

We can make excuses all we want, but truth is, an unwillingness to forgive is like chugging down poison and expecting the person who have hurt you to die. 

In life, it is essential to learn how to forgive others, because people will disappoint us, whether they know it or not, whether intentionally or unintentionally. And since our Father can forgive us from all our shortcomings, no matter how many times we hurt Him, we can do the same by His grace. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

"If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything...You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid."

(Good Will Hunting, 1997)

Friday, August 1, 2014

You Found Me


I came across this beautiful deep house track by London-based electro-gospel duo of Eikon, Dave Pilcher and Dave Hendra.

Listen.





I found You but first You found me
I know You now but first You knew me
I call Your name but first You chose me
I see King now but first You saw me

I found You but first You found me
I know You now but first You knew me
I run to You but first You ran to me 
Before I called You have answered me

Oh Sweet Savior, You bled and You died for me
Oh Sweet Savior, You bled and You died for me
You bled and You died for me
You bled and You died for me

So You can take me Home.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"You think of yourself as humans searching for a spiritual awakening, when in fact you are spiritual beings attempting to cope with a human awakening. Seeing yourselves from the perspective of the spirit within will help you to remember why you came here and what you came here to do."

Friday, June 27, 2014

I wish I never met you

Relevant.

Here's a song that I keep coming back to, by Sam Sparro.

I'm posting 3 different mixes that I all love, but I'm feeling the Stereogamous remix the most, it being deep and dark.



I'm including this Alison Wonderland remix because the electronic sounds and percussions mashed together just work so well. Earthy and electronic. I love it.



Aaaaand of course, it's a must for me to add this one from WestFunk Music. This one's more electronic pop sounding.

They say it's insane when
You think somebody's gonna change
When they won't
I'm getting tired of this recital
Is it really worth fighting for?
Young lovers seem carefree
But these bags have gotten heavy again
I think it's time to break the pattern
Blame it on return of Saturn

A lonely road to nowhere
That's all we are
I wish I never met you
You've done me so wrong
I wish I could forget you
It's been way too long

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you

Contempt is in silence
You often know violence to me
You had me feeling like a crackhead
I squeeze you out just like a blackhead

Nobody's gonna save you
And I know better than to blame you alone
I lay there and take the lashes
But now I leave you with the ashes

A lonely road to nowhere
That's all we are I wish I never met you
You've done me so wrong
I wish I could forget you
It's been way too long

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you

And now the flame's just a flicker
Down to the wick
Now tell me who's gonna kill it?
It burns until you snap it out
I wanna rub you out
But love's gonna trick you
F*ck with your ticker
Take it down like a brick that's tied to you
Pulling you down
Watch me drown

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Glitches






So this is what healing feels like.

I dunno if this is just me, but as I'm currently experiencing, it's not just completely progressive. It's not like 2 months ago, I'm 20% healed, then today I'm already 80% there, you know? One day I'd be feeling great and completely over it, then one trigger of a memory and then my heart would just sink and my eyes would start to water, and I can't even control it.

I hate emotions, but I really need to deal with this. And I'd like to think I'm prepared for it this time, since God's gonna be there to help me through this.

I mean, sure I'm over it, but there are just days that it still stings. Some days I remember stuff and I can just offer it to God and I'd feel fine instantly. Some days I need to constantly be more aware of my thoughts, and I just have to remind myself that the good memories can never and will never outnumber the bad ones from that period of my life.

Whenever I have glitches, it makes me feel good to just sing to the songs in these playlists. To drown out all the thoughts and all the memories.

Reminds me that I know better than to allow myself to go through that kind of relationship ever again.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Crackhouse: A BBC Documentary


I was coming down from extacy when I smoked crack once. I didn't like it.

Then the crash from crack started to happen while I was on a plane to Singapore for a business trip. It was the worst feeling ever. My heart was palpitating, I was breaking out in cold sweat. I felt like I had a fever, but much worse. I tried sleeping it off with the help of tranquilizers but it didn't work. I was awake during the entire trip, paranoid because I couldn't tell any of my office mates what I felt and what was happening to me.

I never did crack ever again after that.

I haven't seen this documentary in full yet, but watch it with me. My heart goes out to crack addicts. I root for each and every one of them—for their freedom and renewed lives. If other crackheads, like the one who made this film, can get clean and live sober, then it's not impossible to beat crack addiction.