Tuesday, August 19, 2014

"If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything...You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid."

(Good Will Hunting, 1997)

Friday, August 1, 2014

You Found Me


I came across this beautiful deep house track by London-based electro-gospel duo of Eikon, Dave Pilcher and Dave Hendra.

Listen.





I found You but first You found me
I know You now but first You knew me
I call Your name but first You chose me
I see King now but first You saw me

I found You but first You found me
I know You now but first You knew me
I run to You but first You ran to me 
Before I called You have answered me

Oh Sweet Savior, You bled and You died for me
Oh Sweet Savior, You bled and You died for me
You bled and You died for me
You bled and You died for me

So You can take me Home.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"You think of yourself as humans searching for a spiritual awakening, when in fact you are spiritual beings attempting to cope with a human awakening. Seeing yourselves from the perspective of the spirit within will help you to remember why you came here and what you came here to do."

Friday, June 27, 2014

I wish I never met you

Relevant.

Here's a song that I keep coming back to, by Sam Sparro.

I'm posting 3 different mixes that I all love, but I'm feeling the Stereogamous remix the most, it being deep and dark.



I'm including this Alison Wonderland remix because the electronic sounds and percussions mashed together just work so well. Earthy and electronic. I love it.



Aaaaand of course, it's a must for me to add this one from WestFunk Music. This one's more electronic pop sounding.

They say it's insane when
You think somebody's gonna change
When they won't
I'm getting tired of this recital
Is it really worth fighting for?
Young lovers seem carefree
But these bags have gotten heavy again
I think it's time to break the pattern
Blame it on return of Saturn

A lonely road to nowhere
That's all we are
I wish I never met you
You've done me so wrong
I wish I could forget you
It's been way too long

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you

Contempt is in silence
You often know violence to me
You had me feeling like a crackhead
I squeeze you out just like a blackhead

Nobody's gonna save you
And I know better than to blame you alone
I lay there and take the lashes
But now I leave you with the ashes

A lonely road to nowhere
That's all we are I wish I never met you
You've done me so wrong
I wish I could forget you
It's been way too long

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you

And now the flame's just a flicker
Down to the wick
Now tell me who's gonna kill it?
It burns until you snap it out
I wanna rub you out
But love's gonna trick you
F*ck with your ticker
Take it down like a brick that's tied to you
Pulling you down
Watch me drown

It's been 16 hours and 3 long years
Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears
I wish I never met you
That's how much I regret you 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Glitches






So this is what healing feels like.

I dunno if this is just me, but as I'm currently experiencing, it's not just completely progressive. It's not like 2 months ago, I'm 20% healed, then today I'm already 80% there, you know? One day I'd be feeling great and completely over it, then one trigger of a memory and then my heart would just sink and my eyes would start to water, and I can't even control it.

I hate emotions, but I really need to deal with this. And I'd like to think I'm prepared for it this time, since God's gonna be there to help me through this.

I mean, sure I'm over it, but there are just days that it still stings. Some days I remember stuff and I can just offer it to God and I'd feel fine instantly. Some days I need to constantly be more aware of my thoughts, and I just have to remind myself that the good memories can never and will never outnumber the bad ones from that period of my life.

Whenever I have glitches, it makes me feel good to just sing to the songs in these playlists. To drown out all the thoughts and all the memories.

Reminds me that I know better than to allow myself to go through that kind of relationship ever again.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Crackhouse: A BBC Documentary


I was coming down from extacy when I smoked crack once. I didn't like it.

Then the crash from crack started to happen while I was on a plane to Singapore for a business trip. It was the worst feeling ever. My heart was palpitating, I was breaking out in cold sweat. I felt like I had a fever, but much worse. I tried sleeping it off with the help of tranquilizers but it didn't work. I was awake during the entire trip, paranoid because I couldn't tell any of my office mates what I felt and what was happening to me.

I never did crack ever again after that.

I haven't seen this documentary in full yet, but watch it with me. My heart goes out to crack addicts. I root for each and every one of them—for their freedom and renewed lives. If other crackheads, like the one who made this film, can get clean and live sober, then it's not impossible to beat crack addiction.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I got drunk! Wait. Scratch that. I got really wasted.

I feel the need to apologize.

Maybe some of you have seen through my posts and think I've become totally unrelatable.

Maybe some of you even sense me trying to convert you to this following Jesus hoopla.

And I am sorry.

I'm going to admit, there's a part of me that hoped that people who come to read this blog would be inspired with my posts, give their whole hearts to Jesus, and start walking closely with Him every day. And that translated to some of my posts. It's so easy to be side tracked when you know there's a good number of people watching you and reading the stuff you post online. My intentions from being raw and naked in this blog slowly shifted to making my recovery sound easy as long as you have God in your life. But you see, this is false, and I'm sorry if that's how I made you feel.

It's wrong for me to to make it seem that recovery is a breeze as long as you're with Jesus. Why? Two things: (1) Because recovery's never an easy road to take—some days it's all rainbows and butterflies and you feel elated for quitting all the drugs and everything that's bad for you. But then there are dark days when you get so caught up in your emotions and your past haunts you that you start craving to get high again. It's really a roller coaster with downs of desires to get high, and ups of wanting to be grounded in being clean. (2) I haven't really been giving it to God.

A couple of weeks back, I've been lax with my intimacy with God. I felt like since I've been reading the bible consistently for a good 2 weeks, I've "stored up" enough intimacy for the weeks to follow. So I stopped spending time with God. I'd read my "God wants you to know" message on facebook, feel my soul touched for a few seconds, and then go on my mundane tasks. And it's not coincidence how the same days when I don't seek the Lord are the days when my dark past starts seeking me.

Those weeks, I noticed how much bad memories just randomly pop in my head. And I say it's bad because now that I've been awakened to God's truth, even though I used to be enjoying in those times, I see it from a different perspective. The past memories that used to be so fun and thrilling just sting me now. And it hurts so bad. I'd get flash backs from letting my body be sexually used by random strangers, no strings attached. I'd remember moments when I was in bathroom stalls licking extacy powder off my palm then snorting tranquilizers that I've crushed with my lipstick case. I'd remember feeling so disconnected from my so-called friends who are only there when it's time to get high and wasted. I'd recall convincing myself over and over that my ex loves me even when something inside me tells me I'm being emotionally manipulated.

And this is the part where I made a mistake: I was wrong for not trusting God that He can heal me from all those memories that cause so much pain. Instead of giving it to Him, I decided to give in to what I used to run to in the state of unhappiness. But this time, it's not drugs. I turned to alcohol.

I told God I wasn't really an alcoholic, so me drinking shouldn't be an issue. I justified that alcohol is legal—there is no need for me to contact some dealer and wait for him in a parking lot to get my fix. At least I'm not doing drugs.

And so I became mindless to this new thing that I almost developed to be a habit—remember bad stuff, buy some wine, finish 2 glasses. Remember bad stuff, drink half the bottle. Remember worse stuff, chug the entire bottle down. It came to a point that it doesn't matter when I drink. If the bad memories pop in my head first thing in the morning, I'd have wine for breakfast. Simple as that.

I wasn't feeling convicted for having as much wine as I want when I want, since Jesus isn't against drinking. Not at all. He even turned water into wine. So for sure he doesn't condemn drinking. But what He doesn't want us to get into is inebriation. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). In my book of justification, as long as you're not throwing up or throwing yourself shamelessly to other people, you're not drunk.

Back in college I was a drunk party girl, and everyone who knows me knew that. I was one of the girls everyone talks about in parties because of my typical, reckless, drunk party girl behavior. Making out with girls in front of boys, getting really hammered to start petty fights with friends or acquaintances, and passing out in dance floors, that the guards need to call an ambulance with medics to put me on a wheelchair to get me out of the bar.

Since I wasn't getting THAT hammered, I told God this shouldn't cause any problem between us. I wasn't getting drunk like I did back when I was 17. And so I kept drinking and drinking and drinking. And truth is, I was doing a good job at not getting drunk. It was after that CrossFit party that I sensed I had too much. I finished an entire bottle of wine plus 4 beers before heading home. The following morning, I woke up to find an unfinished fifth bottle of beer and an unopened bottle of red wine by my bed side table. My head was throbbing. I felt so parched. I was suffering from the inevitable hang over you get from drinking waaaay too much. I knew I messed up a little bit, but it's funny how we can be immune to justifying our mistakes. Because I didn't vomit, hooray! I didn't really get drunk.

And so I kept allowing my past to haunt me as I turned to wine to forget. I wanted to forget. I couldn't understand why God kept letting me remember all these things that just upset me.

Last week I received a call from a friend who I haven't heard from in a long time. I picked up, and he asked if we could have dinner and talk. He was one of the guys I got hammered with back in college. I said yes because I wanted to drink, and I know he'd let me do whatever I want. This time, I planned to get "drunk"—but not really because no matter how much wine I consume I won't allow myself to vomit. I just wanted to get "happy drunk", not bad, puking drunk.

YEAH RIGHT.

In about an hour I consumed an entire bottle of Eaglehawk Merlot which lead to tipsy conversations full of "whys". Got another bottle (this time we shared it), and halfway through it we were provoking each other to call our exes and ask how they are. LOL. Good thing I've deleted his number and any other means to contact him. Drunk people are funny and stupid (more of stupid). By the time we were finishing our second bottle, I've been drunk texting another ex (my ex-girlfriend) asking if we could hang out. Eventually she figured I was drunk because of how I typed the message (I'd show you but I just checked my phone and I deleted our thread already, much to my shame I guess) and called me. She asked if I was in some kind of trouble because she didn't have any other reason to think why I'd be texting randomly at that hour. LOL. Thank God she was thinking straight. She told me it was pretty late and she had work the next day, so maybe we could hang out some other time.

I didn't know who else to bother with my intoxication at 12 midnight on a Thursday. We were on our third bottle by this time. I thank God for giving me the wisdom to know which friends to run to. By some reason I started texting my discipleship group leader, Steph. Of course she's also one of my bestest friends, but I wouldn't have contacted her if I wasn't nudged by the Holy Spirit. Who I really wanted to contact was anybody who's got weed, not her. LOL. I told her I wanted to smoke up and I was really really drunk. She replied telling me I knew better than that and I knew that even if I got high, it wouldn't really give me the satisfaction I was looking for. Right after, she called and asked if she should pick me up. I declined, and I just had my guy friend drop me off in her place.


When I got to the lobby of her condo, she made sure if my friend was okay and offered if he wanted to get some coffee before heading home. He insisted he was fine and then left. As Steph walked me up to her condo, I remember her laughing at me with this, hay nako bata ka look in her eyes. It wasn't judging, but it's more of how she knew I'm better than getting wasted. Inside the elevator, she said something about me being stupid, but she said it in a very sweet way. LOL.

She asked me what's going on and I just poured my heart to her. I told her about all these bad stuff I've been remembering lately. How some of them would just cause me to cry quietly as I drive with my family to places. How it would cause me to breakdown randomly while sweeping our bedroom floor. I told her I just wanted to forget that's why I be drinkin'. 

I don't remember much of our conversation but Steph just really showed me grace. She gave me a fresh shirt, and assisted me to her bathroom when I told her I felt like puking. She let me sleep in her bedroom while she slept on her couch. I really felt Jesus' love through her.

Posted this on Instagram with the caption "My little it's-time-to-reflect-on-what-I-did corner"

I feel embarrassed for the things I did while I was drunk. And for hassling people too. Sheesh. Now I remember why it's not good for me to get wasted.

I've been reading this book called Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman, and there's a line there that says,
Jesus doesn't expect His followers to be perfect. But He does call them to be authentic.
This hit me, and it hit me real hard. I realized that I began focusing too much on the "freedom" part, the part where I do my best to be this new person. I missed to focus on who has really given me freedom, which is Christ. He's the only one that continues to set me free. I'm really learning now that we can't carry our burdens, we can't carry our pains. We can't turn to external things to fix us, because more than it doesn't really work and it's temporal, what we turn to can slowly destroy us without us knowing it.

I know this whole turning-to-wine-when-I-remember-bad-stuff thing is a fruit of me not trusting the Lord. I doubted He can heal me from my past, I didn't fully trust His promise that says, and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

But now I know better. I know better than to "charge up" on bible reading or quiet time then run off living on my own until I get drained and empty again. I know better than to pretend I have it all together, to act as if I'm free when inside I'm being enslaved to my thoughts. I know better than to limit God of His powerful capabilities and doubt His ways. I know better because I've been knowing God.

Which one? ALL OF IT.

Whenever there are painful memories trying to chase me, instead of forcing my mind to forget, I'm learning to pray. Pray and offer it up. He knows my pains, He knows my past. He knows how badly I want to live a new life close to Him, far from the one I lived in the dark. I need to trust Him that He can heal me and make me whole. There is beauty for ashes in God's hands.

Instead of always asking God why I remember the things I would love to forget, the question I ask now is, what does God want me to get out of this? I'm really seeing now that God desires us to better our character over anything else. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness (Malachi 3:3). For sure He can protect me from all these bad memories, no doubt. But why does He allow it to happen? So I can be strong in my faith in Him. So I can practice living a prayerful life that is solely dependent on Jesus. God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him (James 1:12).

I've also come to realize that I can't handle drinking. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. I just really have no control when it comes to things that intoxicate me. I'm not the type who drinks to "get steady." Drink to get drunk was how I do it. Maybe eventually this will change, maybe not. I'll leave it up to God. (I'm on my 3rd day of sobriety, not a single drop of alcohol! All Him!) Besides, I don't have to drink. I don't need it to have fun, to let loose, or to chill. And I'm surprised I can say this now, because I used to always need something to get high on or get a buzz from for me to have a good time. But not anymore. I'm at that spiritual stage where I want Jesus to be all I want and need, even if it's hard. Even if it means I'd have to surrender to Him on days I tell myself, minsan lang, or konti lang. Even if it will cost me friends who'd think how much of a loser I am for choosing to have water when all of them are having beer.

How will I really know in my life that Jesus is all need if I don't let Him be, right? :)